Wonder #7: Divided Loyalties

Wonder #7: Divided Loyalties
"I wonder if I should remain loyal to my birth mother or if I should allow myself to love and be loved by my foster/adoptive mother."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Acting out during the holidays or near Mother's Day
• Refusal to attach to the foster/adoptive parents
• Modeling after birth parent or fantasy of birth parent

We hope you have enjoyed this series, "The Seven Wonders of Adoption," by Betsy Keefer-Smalley. Please leave a comment and let us know if you were helped in any way.

A special thanks goes to FosterParentCollege.com for allowing us to reprint the "wonders."

Wonder #6: Control

Wonder #6: Control
" I wonder why everyone else makes decisions about my family, how much information I get, how old I have to be to meet my siblings or birth parents. When do I get to make important decisions about my life."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Constant control battles with authority figures
• Lying, even with the lie does not seem to benefit the child
• Stealing
• Obsessive compulsive behavior (list-making, unusual orderliness)
• Lack of flexibility

Stay tuned tomorrow for the final wonder in this great series...

Wonder #5: Identity

Wonder #5: Identity
"I wonder who my people are and if I will be like them."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Looking and behaving in ways that are very different from the foster/adoptive family
• Changing identities frequently in a search for one that is like the birth family
• Recurring episodes of running away from the foster/adoptive home

Stay tuned tomorrow for Wonder #6...

Wonder #4: Trust

Wonder #4: Trust
"I wonder if I can believe what these people are telling me."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Refusal to attach
• Distancing from nurturing caregivers
  
• Stealing
• Caring for own needs and desires because child has not learned that others will meet his or her needs
  
• Lack of interest in pleasing others
  

Stay tuned for Wonder #5...

Wonder #3: Guilt and Shame

Wonder #3: Guilt and Shame
"I wonder what I did to make my own parents throw me away."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Magical thinking: belief he or she caused the separation from the birth family
• Low self-esteem
• Expectation of failure and future rejections

Stay tuned for Wonder #4...

Wonder #2: Rejection/Abandonment

Wonder #2: Rejection/Abandonment
"I wonder if these people are really going to keep me."

Behaviors associated with this issue:

• Approach/avoidance conflicts in relationships, especially with parents, but occurring also in relationships with peers
• Rejecting others before they can be rejected ("I will 'quit' before I get fired)
• Negative behavior to speed anticipated rejection and test commitment of others
• Attempts to be "perfect" to avoid rejection

Stay tuned tomorrow for Wonder #3...